847.849.2800
Contact
When’s the last time you felt betrayed?
I’m talking about deep, dark, soul-crushing betrayal.
If you remember it vividly, your stomach might be tightening as your heartbeat quickens just thinking about it. Betrayal can be heartbreaking and enraging all at once.
Once upon a time, I had an agreement with a statewide organization. (I won’t name the state, but let’s just say it rhymes with “Flexas.”) The head of the organization called me to apologize. Apparently, their written rules, which I had meticulously followed, didn’t matter anymore.
She admitted that despite attending all the trainings, earning all the certifications, and investing in my business with a website, business cards, and marketing materials, I wouldn’t be awarded any contracts. Ever.
WTAF!
I was furious. Plumb mad. Out-of-control angry. It didn’t matter how hard I’d worked. None of it mattered.
Do I Have You on My Side Yet?
But consider this: no one has ever disrespected, betrayed, or even insulted any of us.
It’s never happened—not a single time—and it never will.
Why? Because people are just out there doing what they’re doing, and sometimes we experience their actions as betrayal or insult. And rather than being responsible for our experience, we get trapped in a mentality of victimization.
Try humiliating a rock. It doesn’t care.
Now, I’m not saying bad behavior doesn’t exist. It does. But our interpretation of events—and how we respond—is entirely up to us. We can choose to keep our power or hand it over to our so-called tormentors.
So back to my initial question: When’s the last time you felt betrayed? And how did you deal with it? More importantly, how would you deal with it now?
As St. Augustine once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
The reality? The person you’re resenting is probably oblivious. Meanwhile, we’re over here entertaining wild fantasies of justice. We humans are absurd creatures. I’m no zoologist, but I doubt any other species punishes itself this way.
Stay Ahead
Leadership Insights for Owners, Investors & Boards
Join executives, PE sponsors, and board members who receive ideas every month from InterimExecs on transformational leadership and business growth.
The Remedy: Be Unmessable With
Yes, “unmessable” is a word.
It may not appear in most dictionaries, but its essence resonates across the coaching and consulting world. Simply put, being unmessable-with means you choose whether someone can disrupt or upset you.
The next time you feel betrayed, try this remedy:
1. Awareness
Notice it and admit it: “I’m letting myself be messed with right now.”
2. Commitment
Be honest with yourself: “This feeling sucks, and I’m committed to letting go of this resentment nonsense.”
3. Communicate
Reach out to someone who can help: “Hey, coach! I’m stuck and need to feel better about this, now.”
4. Be Accountable
It’s time to put on your big girl pants and start adulting. “You mean, I’m at the source of my experience and revenge is not an option?” Yup. That’s right.
5. (Bonus) Keep It Fun
Our day-to-day work problems are small compared to those facing most of the world. Laugh every day; don’t take things too seriously.
This process works. Try it. See how your perspective—and your life—shift.
How To Become Unmessable With
Circling back to my story …
How did I handle that betrayal? I called my coach. She helped me see that I was stuck in a core value violation—specifically my values of fairness and respect. I had allowed myself to feel victimized and betrayed.
In truth, I had choices. Many choices. I could choose how to be, how to respond, and even how to feel.
By the end of our conversation, I was still angry, but I wasn’t helpless. I could think clearly, move forward, and even find laughter in the world.
Editor’s note: This post first appeared here. The featured photo is by Quang Nguyen Vinh.
Need help now?
Are You in Need of a High-Performing Executive?
InterimExecs can identify the right RED Team executive in as little as 48 hours so you can have someone onsite assessing the need, building the plan, leading the change.
Read More
Frequently Asked Questions
Everyone deals with disappointment, betrayal, conflict, and difficult behavior in others. It’s easy to internalize the feelings. But, executives can be “unmessable with” by recognizing the uncomfortable feelings without allowing someone else’s actions to determine your response.
The higher the stakes, the more personal disappointment can feel. Senior leaders often have strong expectations of themselves and others, so a broken commitment, failed relationship, or unexpected setback can consume more attention than it deserves. In a guest post on InterimExecs.com, executive coach Brett Morris argues that the issue isn’t eliminating disappointment; it’s learning to keep disappointment from taking control of your thinking and behavior.
Executive coach Brett Morris encourages leaders to create space between the event and their response. That means acknowledging what happened, being honest about its impact, and then asking what response serves the situation and the leader’s larger responsibilities best. Perspective doesn’t diminish the significance of the event; it prevents the event from becoming bigger than it needs to be.
The shift is from reaction to agency. Rather than spending valuable executive energy replaying what someone said or did, the leader can decide what deserves attention, what requires action, and what needs to be released. Executive coach Brett Morris frames it as taking responsibility for your own energy, attention, and response regardless of what is happening around you.
Executive Coach Brett Morris says there are five steps: 1. Awareness (notice the problem, but don’t obsess over it); 2. Be honest about how you’re feeling; 3. Reach out to someone for help; 4. Be accountable about your responsibility for the problem and 5.) Laugh about it.
